Holiday Cheating

So, this being the holiday season and all, I've been cheating a bit on my diet. I'm not proud of the cheating and so (on the insistence of my friends) I am posting about it here. After all, the whole point of making this all public is that the fear of ridicule and disappointment from my friends and family will motivate me. If I'm not honest and post the things I'm ashamed of, the whole point is moot, right?

Now, I've tried to be pretty good over the holidays. Heck, I even decided to forgo my family's traditional Christmas Eve meal of delicious lasagna and made a chili instead. However, there is no question I haven't been as good this cycle (that is what I'm going to be calling the two week breaks between weighing and measuring myself) as I was last cycle. Here are the four things I broke from the plan for:

1) Pizzelle cookies

Every year, my aunt makes a big ol' batch of pizzelle cookies. Traditionally, these Italian delights are made with an anise (black licorice) flavor. That shit is gross. My aunt, on the other hand, makes these cookies that are unbelievable. I've been told they are made with peach schnapps or some other such sorcery, but I have no first hand knowledge. Every year, I get super pumped for the holiday parcel from Michigan to make it to my doorstep. I tried to mostly just eat these on my cheat day, but a few times I slipped up.


2) Log Cake

For the last several months, I've been told that my father has a deep relationship with the lady that sells pies at the Downtown Farmer's Market. Apparently, he has a standing appointment to buy whatever her favorite pie is on any given week. Until Christmas Eve, however, I did not know the depth of my father's connection with this woman. On the night before the day before Boxing day, this woman came into my parent's condo and presented us with a beautiful sponge cake made to look like a log for some reason. She even gave us a bag full of homemade meringue mushrooms. I felt like it would be a disservice to my Pop's non-sexual-only-culinary-mistress to not taste this delight. So I ate some. Hard. 

3) Cheese Curds

I fucking love cheese curds. No two ways about it. Unfortunately, my diet does not let me eat dairy. Especially not breaded, deep fried dairy. So, when I found myself having drinks with friends downtown and confronted with a menu that included some of this cow's milk gold, I cracked. They were fucking delicious. 

4) Buffalo Wild Wings Teriyaki Boneless Wings. 

Yesterday, while watching an amazing Vikings win over the hated Green Bay Packers, I found myself a bit peckish. Having decided to view the game at BW3 (don't ask me why they call it that) I decided to partake in some wings with the delicious teriyaki sauce that I developed a taste for in college. Now, I'm allowed to eat regular buffalo wings on my diet, I'm just not supposed to eat any of the breaded stuff. So I lied to myself and said this was fine because it was mostly protein anyway. Well, it was amazing, and because they won, I'm now going to have to eat this every game until the Vikings are out of the playoffs. Rats!

Fitness Update (Week 2)

Hello all! I hope everyone had a merry Christmas (or a joyous end of the year to be less discriminate.)

For my part, I made it through the holidays with limited variation from my diet. Now that the holidays are over, I figured I would post my body statistics here so everyone can keep track. I have also added a handy sidebar in the upper right of the blog that will allow people (including myself) to track it without too much effort.

So, here are the new stats:

Starting Stats (12/10/12):

Height- 5'8.5"

Weight- 336.6 lbs

Waist- 58.5"

Neck- 17.5"

Bodyfat- 46.9%

Current Stats (12/21/12)

Height- 5'8.5"

Weight- 327.4 lbs

Waist- 57.5"

Neck- 17"

Body fat- 46.44%

Change:

Weight: -9.2 lbs

Waist: -1"

Neck: -.5"

Body fat: -.56%

Martha Stewart's Jailbird Chili

This slow-carb diet does have it's advantages. For one, it allows me to eat as much chili as I want! Chili has all the ingredients that I am supposed to eat (protein, vegetables and legumes in spades) and none of the bad stuff (breads, rice, sugars.)

Luckily, I have an exceptional chili recipe. In fact, this particular recipe made me the champion of the 2011 St. Thomas School of Law Chili Cook-Off! The name is a little misleading* but the chili is exquisite. Here is how you make it:

Ingredients:
-1 lbs ground beef,
-1 lbs ground italian sauasage
-1 lbs stew beef
- 3 slices bacon, crumbled
-1 large onion, diced
-2 cans crushed tomatoes
- 1 can tomato paste
- 4 cans chili beans in spicy sauce
- 1 red bell pepper, seeded and diced
-1 green bell pepper, seeded and diced
-2 green chili peppers, seeded and diced
- 2 cans corn (not on the slow-carb diet, but a delicious addition if you can do it.)
- 4 cubes beef boulion
-1/2 cup beer (I use PBR because I'm classy)
- 1/4 cup chili powder
-1 table spoon Worcester sauce
- 3 gloves pressed garlic
- 1 tablespoon dried oregano
- 2 teaspoons ground cumin
- 2 teaspoons tobasco
- 1 teaspoon dried basil
-1 teaspoon paprika
- 1 teaspoon white sugar

Directions:
-Brown all the meat and make sure it is cooked through
- After you do that, throw all that stuff into a slow cooker on low and let it sit for like 4 hours, it'll be amazing once it's done.
- If you want (though my diet doesn't allow it) you can put some cheese, oyster crackers and sour cream into the stuff. It'll taste like angels.




*Despite the name, Martha Stewart's Jailbird Chili, Martha Stewart has nothing to do with this recipe. Instead, like most of my recipes, it is a recipe from AllRecipes.com that I've taken some liberties with. So why did I name it after everyone's favorite criminal crafter? Well, in my last year of law school I actually had an office in the building. It was located right off the entrance from the skyway, and most of the time, I was the first official looking office one would see when they entered the building. Apparently, a lot of people thought that I was some sort of official greeter for the school.  Sometimes, people would come into my office to ask questions or complain, as if I had any idea how to handle these queries. On the day before the chili cook-off, St. Thomas held a lecture series on white collar crime that was titled something to the effect of "From Martha Stewart to Bernie Madoff: the Effect of White Collar Criminals." Well, one woman took exception to St. Thomas calling Ms. Stewart a criminal (apparently having been convicted of a crime is no longer enough to justify such a designation.) 

She railed on me for about 10 minutes, telling me how Stewart was just the victim of a witch hunt and the only reason anyone cared was because our society hates to see a woman in power. I thought about cutting her off and telling her that I had nothing to do with the presentation, nor do I have any control over the school, but as she kept yelling at me it became more and more obvious that she was mentally unbalanced, and she became more and more entertaining. At one point in her ranting, she mentioned that she would attend the chili cook-off the following day. So, having already agreed to provide an entry into the competition, I decided I would name my entry something designed to make this crazy woman go off and make a scene. Unfortunately, the next day she did not show up at the competition and I was quite disappointed. However, winning first place out of about 30 entries more than made up for it. 

The Fran (take 1)

Exercise: The Fran
Time: 6:34

Last night, still in the beginning stages of learning the Crossfit way, I was told we would be ended the workout by completing The Fran. The Fran is one of Crossfit's signature workouts, consisting entirely of Thrusters and Pull-Ups. When told I would be required to do pull-ups for this exercise my response, which I contend was quite rational, was:

While not quite as insane as the Angie, the Fran is still pretty hard. The workout goes like this:
-21 Thrusters
-21 Pull-Ups
-15 Thrusters
-15 Pull-Ups
-9 Thrusters
-9 Pull-Ups.
-Die a little.

Here is a video which shows this workout as it is intended to be done, by people much fitter than me.

Now, unless you are daft, you know that I did not do it as well as that guy. As a massive hunk of man with little arm strength, I can't do one pull up, let alone 45. Instead I substituted Ring Rows for Pull ups. Additionally, I copped out a bit on the Thruster. I didn't add any weight to the 45 lbs bar. Still, I finished the whole thing in  6:34, almost 4 minutes ahead of my counterpart (to be fair, he was doing Pull-Ups rather than Ring Rows... If I had been required to do that I would probably still be at the gym.) 

Now, I am unbelievably sore. After the workout, I met one of the other Crossfit members for the first time and went to shake his hand. Unfortunately, when I went to give him the gentleman's greeting, I found that my arm didn't go quite as high as I was expecting. Due to my soreness, I couldn't get a good grasp on the guy's hand, and I was a little embarrassed. Still, this is the good kind of sore, right? I sure hope so...

I've been putting it off long enough

I started this blog with a plan to keep everyone updated on my weight loss goals and keep myself accountable. Part of that is being honest and providing the world with hard measurable numbers that people (including myself) can use to track my progress. These numbers allow people to be proud of me when I do well and be disappointed in me if I don't.

Of course, in order to let everyone know how far I go, I need to provide a base line. I need to provide a set of these measurables that give a snap shot at me before I started this plan. I've been avoiding that like the plague because, as I said in my first post, I feel like a gross monster. I felt like no one wanted to see pictures of me or hear the numbers that prove just how out of shape I really am. Sometimes, though, you've just got to suck it up and take your medicine. With that in mind, here are a few pictures of me that show off what I doughboy I am.

Giving a short lecture on evidentiary issues in social media. I guess the evidence in this case points to a fatty. 

Me with my much or in shape sister. Proof that even with my genetics a healthy body is not out of the question.

At a wedding this summer. I am hoping that weight loss makes me less of a sweaty mess. 

Here is the set of measurables the good folks at CrossFit South Metro took on me. These numbers are accurate as of 12/10/2012

Height: 5'8 & 1/2"
Weight: 336.6 lbs
Waist: 58.5"
Neck: 17 & 1/2"
Body Fat percentage (according to the US Marine Corps calculator): 46.9%

Yikes!

Luckily for me, despite being a lard ball, I have always been fairly athletic. I feel a lot better about my workout times* than I do about my body stats.

*For those of you not in the know, Crossfit, the exercise plan that I am currently working with, uses lots of exertion over a short, timed interval to produce and track results. They have a litany of standard exercises, some that are too fucking crazy to imagine ever doing, that they rotate through. The idea is that you do one exercise as fast as you can, then you do the same exercise about a month and a half later. If you improve your time on the workout, you are objectively fitter than you were the last time you did the routine. More in depth description forthcoming once I do it a little longer. 

On my first official workout on the plan, the trainer had me do the following workout:

3 rounds:
- 20 air squats
- 15 push presses (with a 45 lbs bar)
- 20 sit-ups

I completed the workout in 9:19. Note, this was about a minute quicker than the much more fit looking dude I did the workout with. I was incredibly sore the next day (and even more so two days later) but it was worth it. Hopefully I can keep it up and change my lifestyle for good.

Cheat day

As I've discussed before, in my attempt to lose weight I have switched over to the Slow Carb Diet. While this diet is somewhat limiting, one of the best parts about it is that it allows for the dieter to take one day per week where he can eat whatever he wants. The actual health benefits of a "cheat day" are debatable, to say the least. Some, people way smarter that me mind you, claim that the one day spike in caloric intake keeps one's body in "fat burn mode" through the rest of the week, which can help eliminate plateauing  Other people, also much smarter than me, claim that the sharp spike doesn't have any net positive effect on one's metabolism; rather, it is just a glut of calories that can take you a step back from the forward progress you have made during the first part of the week. In any case, both sides agree that binging just one day per week is better for you than eating high octane shit 24/7, which is what I used to do.

While I am not nearly intelligent enough to make an argument for the cheat day's effect on the body, I can tell you for certain that the psychological effects of a cheat day make an incredible difference. Every time I am in the grocery story and pass some candy or bread or beer that look particularly delicious, I just put that on my list of things to eat on Saturday (my chosen cheat day) and I'm able to walk away.

This Saturday, I am attending a holiday potluck with friends and I have been asked to prepare a dish. Being that this will likely be the largest meal of my cheat day, I don't want to waste my opportunity to make something I have been truly craving. So I thought for a while about what would be the thing to give me the most bang for my cheat day buck, while also something I can bring to share with others (assuming they don't want to stuff their face with a bucket of hot fudge or something.)

Two of the things that I love the most in this world, potatoes and cheese, are both prohibited by this diet. With that in mind, I am going to be making spicey potatoes au gratin to share with my friends* I've not made this recipe yet, and we'll see how it turns out, but I'm very excited about it. As with most of my recipes, I am stealing this from AllRecipes.com and making slight variations as I see fit.


*In this case  the term "share with my friends" means hide in a corner while I shovel handfuls of the stuff into my mouth and stare at everyone,  suspicious of their imagined goals of getting a taste.

Nick's Spicy Au Gratin Potatoes

Ingredients:

-3 pounds of frozen shredded potatoes
- a bit of salt
- a small container of heavy cream
- some milk
- some butter
- ungodly amounts of extra sharp cheddar cheese
- enough Parmesan cheese to make you feel classy
- some hot sauce, because fuck yeah.

Directions:

-Grease up a pan and put a bunch of those potatoes in there. Probably about half. Cover that with a bunch of that cheddar and  some hot sauce.
- Throw the rest of those potatoes on that shit
- Put a bunch more cheddar on top of that.
-Also, just for good measure, put some salt, pepper and maybe a little more hot sauce on.
- Pour on the milk, cream and butter... whatever mixture works for you.
-  Put some grated Parmesan cheese on top so it browns and looks classy.


We'll see how this recipe works out. For now, thinking about eating it is allowing me to not eat that croissant I saw in the bakery this morning.

Trampoline Dodgeball!

In addition to my dieting and regular exercise, I'm also trying to get involved in as many active events as possible. I figure, I can do some working out while hanging out with my friends, I will lose weight and have fun in the process. It's a win-win all the way around, right?

Yesterday, some friends and I attended a trampoline dodge ball tournament at Sky Zone  in Plymouth. The court is set up a lot like regular dodge ball. There are two sides of a court, separated by a bright line. Each team starts with 6 players and 3 balls on their side, and the goal is to hit the entire opposing team with balls, not allowing them to catch the ball, until the whole team has been defeated. The big difference is that the walls and floors are made of trampolines. It is awesome. For those of you interested in the mechanics of trampoline dodge ball (sometimes called 3D dodgeball.) I've posted a picture of the court below.

He actually broke the rules by jumping over the barrier, but whatever. 

My team, pictured below, did alright. In our first tournament we won a match and lost 2 matches. We certainly didn't come out and light the world on fire, but it was our first time and we got better every match. The manager tells me they are going to try to have a tournament every month from now on, so I hope my team can be regulars and maybe get a little better.

My team is so pretty. Now we just need to be good. 

Yeah, dodge ball was fun, but the craziest stuff happened when we weren't playing the games. You see, in addition to the dodge ball courts, Skyzone also has huge floors of trampolines for general jumping shenanigans. They also have a foam cube pit one can jump into while doing crazy flips and be as safe as possible.*

*If you jump into the foam pit, be ready for a struggle getting out. It is damn near impossible. It is like quicksand.  

The whole time I was there, I was thinking "I wonder how good I would get at trampolining if I worked at a place like this. Luckily, the manager was eager to show off his skills and I got it on video. Warning: do not watch this video unless you have clean underwear nearby, you might shit yourself.

You can hear me laughing like a goon in the back ground.

For comparison sake, here is a video of me trying to do a back flip. Note, I do not succeed here, but I pulled it off a few times. The manager was very surprised a man of my size could do something like that.  

In short, keep your eyes out for new tournaments. I will try to make sure my team is there and we could use some other new people to help us feel better about ourselves. 

Tardiness

Ok, I know that I asked those of you interested enough in my health and weightloss journey to keep me honest, but there is something you should know and take into account before hounding me for a new post *cough* Mom *Cough*. I don't have internet at my apartment and so I can't blog much on the weekends (unless I blogged from my phone, and that is too annoying to deal with.)

Mostly, I blog during my lunchtime or whatever at work, or after work from my office computer. For this reason, I'm not always able to update things in a timely matter because sometimes, I get super busy at work and can't take the time away to write a post.

In short, if I don't post anything for a week, get on my ass. Otherwise, you gotta let me post on my own schedule.

Bummer...

I forgot my gym bag at home this morning, and it is a 40 mile trip between home and my gym (Crossfit South Metro in Burnsville which, for future reference, is fantastic.) It is a bummer because I was actually excited to work out today, but the extra time and mileage I would incur make it impractical. Now, my plan is to just do some of the stuff I've learned at crossfit already at my apartment on my own.

Thai Chicken Lettuce Wraps

Ok, so. Day five of the diet and things are going pretty well. That said, the two mainstays of my diet thus far (a lentil-chicken-bacon hash and plain meat with carrots) can get a little boring. So, I've been poking around trying to find some good recipes that I can make all the time. Then I remembered an amazing Thai appetizer I had a few years back.

I went to the grocery store and picked up some stuff to replicate the recipe, and it turned out exceptionally. I would expect I'll be eating this at least once a week for the foreseeable future.

Disclaimer: I like to cook, but I hate to measure. For that reason, every recipe that I write in this blog will be terribly imprecise. If you want to replicate any of this stuff, just listen to your heart.

Ingredients:

-3 boneless skinless chicken breasts
-vegetable oil
-Half an onion, diced
-a few cloves of garlic, diced
-a grip of broccoli slaw
-a grip of matchstick cut carrots
-a grip of bean sprouts
-some cocktail peanuts, crushed
-Lettuce (anything with big, strong leafs. I'm using red leaf lettuce currently, but I'm looking for something stronger.)
-Bangok Padang brand Thai peanut sauce*

*I can not stress enough how important it is that you get Bangkok Padang brand sauce. There are a lot of awful peanut sauces on the market, but this stuff is like peanut based crack in a bottle. It is completely amazing.

Directions-
1. Heat the vegetable oil in the pan and saute the onions and garlic in the pan.
2. Add the chicken on medium heat so it cooks in the oil with the onions and garlic. Make sure everything is cooked through.
3. Cut the chicken into little bits. You can take the chicken out of the pan and dice it up on a plate. Or, if you are as lazy as I am, you can dice that shit up in the pan.
4. Put heat on high, brown the chicken. Once chicken is browned, let cool.
5. After the chicken has cooled a bit, put the chicken, onions, and garlic, in a large seal-able container (I used a gallon ziplock bag) with equal amounts of the sprouts, carrots, broccoli slaw and the peanuts. At this point, your mixture should be about 1/3-1/2 chicken.
6. Pour about 1/3 of the bottle of peanut sauce into the container and shake vigorously
7. When you have you mixture, lay out a leaf of lettuce and put some of that mixture on the leaf. Roll that shit up and eat it like a taco. If you don't have lettuce, you can also just eat the stuff in the bad as a dope chicken salad.

Note- This will make a ton of good stuff, and it preserves well, so it makes a pretty great lunch to take to work.

The dog days of dieting

Right now is not a good time. Unfortunately, there is a confluence of events that is making me feel unbelievably crappy today.

First- I have a cold (and have had the cold for a couple of days.) It is giving me a cough and a stuffy nose. The cold is also making it somewhat difficult for me to sleep.

Second- two days removed from my first real crossfit workout, I am incredibly sore. Mostly I'm sore in my legs for the airsquats they had me do. That said, sore in the legs is enough to make it painful when you sit down or get up. It also makes me walk in a completely ridiculous and duck like manner.

Third- On day three of my diet, my body is starting to turn against me for not feeding it bread and pizza. The lack of easily broken down carbohydrates if making me lack energy and giving me a headache. Boy is this rough.

Still, I know that soon I will have a break through and start feeling great. I'm using all of the intense desires that I have to eat breads and candy as things to put on my wishlist for my cheat day on Saturday. For now, I will remain virtuous. On Saturday, however, I will celebrate gluttony to such an extent that God will reign down upon me like Sodom and Gomorrah. Fortunately, by this point my powers will be many and I will defeat this divine judgment.

Yes, I'm getting a little loopy.

It's working already

By any account, today has been a pretty crappy day for me already. I am developing a bit of a cold, so I went to bed early last night. I also went to sleep early with the knowledge I'd have to do some cooking in the morning. You see,  one of the main principles of the Slow Carb diet is that one must eat within a half hour of waking up. This particular requirement will either make me wake up earlier, or be at work later. With a slightly begrudging attitude, I picked the former.

When I awoke early this morning to start making myself breakfast, I looked outside and noticed my car had disappeared. You see, last night was the first big snowfall of the year in Minneapolis and, though I was registered for snow emergency updates last year, I learned this morning the service does not carry over. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my car had been towed. In the past, I would have used this as an excuse to not make myself a healthy and virtuous breakfast (here defined as lentil stir fry with turkey-bacon, herb-ed chicken, broccoli and onions; a delicious meal.) Instead, I would have bemoaned my ill-fortune and decided to start my exercise and diet regime tomorrow. Likely, that tomorrow would not have come.

Luckily, I felt it necessary to stick with my plan in spite of my bad luck and sickness because I have to report to all of you, the people that have been so supportive of me already. So thank you for being there for me even when I'm just getting started. Now let's just hope that I don't cough up a lung at CrossFit tonight.

I'm Gross.

Unfortunately, this is something I think a lot. I always grew up as a fat kid and extra years of sitting behind desks and shoving candy in my face didn't do much to help. In short, I have always felt helpless to my own weight gain and thus, over time, it has only gotten worse.

Despite being fat, I have always been pretty athletic (at least for my size.) This has been changing lately. For the first time in my life, I've found myself getting winded as I walk up flights of stairs. This is a big issue.

In short, I realize I need to make a serious change in my life if I want to stay alive and out of a rascal scooter for any appreciable amount of time. I told my friend Anthony this and he suggested I pick up a book called The Four Hour Body by Timothy Ferriss. I followed his advice and cracked that book last Monday. Now (hopefully) I can change my life around.

In two days, I will start the Slow Carb Diet recommended in the book. I will also start doing Crossfit exercise three times a week. My first day of this will be monday and I predict a lot of soreness.

This blog will feature regular updates on my progress and methods for trying to change my life around. It will likely feature recipes I learn from my diet, fun weight loss and muscle building experiments I do and pictures and videos along the way. If you are interested in me losing weight, please continue to follow this blog and give me shit if I fail to update it. Please send me messages and place bets against me losing weight (odds and specific bets will be posted next week.) I will use that all as motivation to remain on goal and accountable in my fitness journey.

Let's see how this goes.